I saw that you were perfect so I loved you. Then I saw that you were not perfect so I loved you even more.
Have you ever heard this saying? I found it a few years ago and I have loved it ever since. It describes how we, when we are in love, just adore everything about that special person. Even all the flaws. All the beautiful scars, maybe both physical and mental, and how they may flinch at something that happens because of their history. Their stories, their jokes that you may not actually find funny, but because it’s them, they are. How we love how they act when they’re cranky or tired. How we love when they are mad and unable to speak and walk out of the room. You find it adorable that they are punishing you by ignoring you when you’ve done something they thought was bad. The way they scream at you to love them the days things are not going so well, or they way they hide under a blanket when they feel bad for something and refuse to talk about it.
Can I just not agree with this for a moment? Because what happens if their scars and brokenness affects you? Maybe you care too much and try to fix it and it backfires right at you? Because maybe it was harder than you thought it would be. Maybe you’re just too different. Maybe you just see things too differently. Maybe you’re the one getting hurt. Maybe it does piss you of when that person is acting up. Maybe you’re all of a sudden in the same thing that person is in. Maybe you would be better off with that person.
But, maybe, just maybe, God has everything under control. Maybe it’s all a spiritual war and we’re both being attacked. Maybe the thief’s purpose is to kill, steal and destroy, as John 10:10 says, because when you think about it, many miracles has happened. Maybe it is all a part of a plan. Maybe I am a part of a plan. Maybe we just need to put our trust in the Lord and everything will be okay.
Will it be okay?
I believe it will.
I hope it will.
Almost three months ago, the seventh of September, I came along with my boyfriend Max, his dad and his dad’s girlfriend Pia, to their grandmother. I love meeting Max’s relatives and I had a really good time with good food and good company.
However, As we were heading home, his dad turned around and began to drive back. “What are we doing?”, Max asked and looked around.
“Wait, there’s something I want to show you.”, his dad said at the front seat. Pia looked over at him from the passenger seat and smiled as if she knew exactly what we were going to do. “What’s going on?”, I asked her, bending forward to avoid shouting. She looked back at us and smiled wide.
It was pitch dark outside, except for the yellow streetlights casting its light down for us in the most comforting way. Trees were surrounding us form the sides and I suddenly realized how much I love driving in the dark. There’s something calming about.
After a couple of minutes the car slowed down and turned left, onto a small uphill leading to a small village close to where I live, but never visit.
“Where are we going?”, Max asked once again, bending forward to get a better look out of the windshield. As the light reached his face it hit me once again how beautiful he is.
“We’re almost there”, his dad announced. Max looked at me curiously. I shrugged, looking back out of the window.
We kept on driving, through the still awake village and off into the dark. No cozy streetlights. No bypassing cars. Only us against the dark.
After a couple of minutes we pulled over. “You might need this.”, Pia said, handing us a big, warm blanket.
“Are we…?” Max started. Yes. Yes, we were. Max’s dad owns a convertible car and I was too excited to let Max finish his sentence, I threw the blanket over us and crawled over to him.
“Now, look at this.” Max’s father pressed a button somewhere on his side and the roof began to roll back. It was dead silent.
And in that moment, I swear we were infinite.
– Stephen Chbosky, The Perks of Being a Wallflower.
The most beautiful starry sky was before us. Thousands and thousands of stars, too close to each other and too many to get a glimpse of any constellations. I looked up at Max who’s eyes were fixed to the sky and I thought about how many people there are looking up at the same sky, both at this moment and at all the times the sky has looked at this. I wondered how those people felt and thought and it, and if they still remember it today.
“We are infinite”, I whispered into the silence, loud enough for them to hear me whisper, but quietly enough for anyone not to hear what I’d said.
Max looked down at me, wondering. I shook my head, smiling, not daring to say those words out loud once more. But that night, in the car, with the endless amount of stars, the four of us. In that moment, I swear, we were infinite.
I’ve been feeling really… international today. Or maybe I have just been thinking perspectively. I don’t know how else to put it.
You know, one of those days when you just stop and your mind goes to all the children that has been born today, and the people who have died. The ones that has proposed to their loved one, or been proposed to, and the ones that has gotten married today. Somewhere out there someone has gotten a promotion at work while another quit their job to try something completely different. I know that people are hiding, changing their names, being terrified of being found. Someone was adopted today by their forever-family and someone adopted their forever-child. Some people finished watching/reading their favorite TV-show/book(s) and currently doesn’t know what to do with their life. A few people won the multimillion-lottery today!
My point is, there are so many things going on in the world, and you and I, we are just these small puzzle-pieces in this big puzzle known as the world. While we may be having a really crappy day, it’s someone else’s best day of their life.
And there are so much we can do to other people! I watched this video a while ago, and it kind of changed my life. I want to be that kind of person who helps people. It doesn’t have to be about big things, I just want to make a difference.
You see, readers, this is what happens when I’m home being sick. When I finally get out, I realize that there’s more people in this world but me, my boyfriend Max, his dad and his dad’s partner, Max’s sister and my mom. I walk around smiling at people and have to resist the impulse of shouting “Come on! You’ll make it!” to bypassing runners. I am also probably shouting, not talking, to the cashier in the store because the cold has made me temporarily half-deaf and I can’t tell how loudly I’m making myself sound. I love these days though. They make me realize what I have, and what I want to do. So, I’m all good.
I’ll have you know that I have dreamt of writing this post. I always imagined it to be full of joy and how I tell you how wonderful everything is. I imagined this part of my life to be like the song “I’m Alive” by Peter Furler. Things never really are exactly as you expect them to be, are they? It’s not that I’m disappointed, because I’m not. It’s just that I imagined this time of my life to be… easier.
Do you remember me telling you that I had some sort of body-ache? It felt as if I had this creature on the inside of my ribs and how it grabbed my ribs, pulling them inwards, making a hard time for me to breath. I never told you, but it got worse over time. I ended up having trouble hanging out with Christians, I couldn’t go to church, I couldn’t pray nor have other Christians pray for me since I would literally manifest. That is, by the way, the grossest thing ever. I threw myself backwards and forwards and I kept making these hand gestures as if to protect myself from the prayers.
However, I was in Denmark over summer-break and this one guy, this one pastor, Curry Blake, laid his hands on me and commanded it to go. Sadly, it wasn’t as pretty as you thought it would be. He didn’t walk up to me and was like: “Hello there, God’s child. I come to you in holiness and I command your body-ache to disappear.” Nope. I had a hard time even walking up to him since I had this thought telling me to run in the other direction. When I got to him and he put his hands on my shoulders, I backed away. When he once again put his hands on my shoulders, I began to shake violently and growl at him. The really weird thing was that I knew that I was doing these things; backing away, shaking, and growling, but I couldn’t control it. I remember standing there thinking: “Sara, what on earth are you doing? Stop it!”
It did disappear though. Not at once. Not as he was praying from me, nor as I was walking out of that place that night. Not even the day after. It wasn’t until I got back to Sweden as I realized that it was gone.
So, that’s that, I guess. I was delivered. I am delivered. I think it still hasn’t quite sunk in yet.
I’m not sure of what I was expecting, but this is not it. I feel like a war is starting, not a physical one, but a spiritual one. A new, different war. The thing is that I’m sickly excited about it. I am now sure of where I stand, and I know that nothing can really hurt me. At least not anything from the spiritual world.
I would like to talk about what for me is a heavy subject. Drugs.
Because of my dad and his addiction that sooner or later led him to death, thoughts saying “test drugs” does not exists in my mind. I have this personal goal saying that I will never ever try it, to prove both to myself and to the people around me that my past doesn’t automatically settle my future.
My friends, however, are not as fortunate.
My mom keeps saying that it is shocking how many kids these days are burned out when it comes to God. (I call them kids because I still see myself as a kid even though I turn seventeen in two months). How many kids -or teens- there are that are so very convinced that there is not a God. I don’t judge them. I would be one of them if I hadn’t seen God perform miracles myself.
I, however, tell her that drugs are nowadays not a big deal. I have several friends that have tried it, and a few that does it on a regular basis. …and that comes from a girl that is born and raised in a Christian home and does not hang out with “bad guys”. Please sense the sarcasm so you don’t get offended.
So, what do you do when one of your best friends texts you saying; “I might do drugs later.”
You pray. At least, that’s what I did. I prayed while walking around in the small apartment repeating the words “God is bigger.” to myself.
I also sent him a dramatic text saying:
No, I do not support it.
No, I do not judge you.
Yes, I still love you.
Yes, I will be there for you if you get in trouble.
You already know that it’s not good for you, so I won’t tell you that. I’m trusting you in this. 🙂
You could choose to become scared. To become really terrified and walk back and forth while rubbing your hands together. But, actually, you don’t have to. Truth is, God is so much bigger. Plus, Jesus gavs us the authority to pray against evil. I keep finding myself forgetting that. God is bigger. He can fix this. We have got to trust him.
About a month ago I found the song “Do Something” by Matthew West. It starts off by saying:
“I woke up this morning, saw a world full of trouble now and thought: How’d we ever get so far down and how’s it ever gonna turn around? I turned my eyes to heaven, thought: “God, why don’t you do something?” Well, I just couldn’t bear the thought of people living in poverty, children sold into slavery. The thought disgusted me. So, I shook my fist at heaven, said: “God, why don’t you do something?” He said: I did. I created you.”
Now, when I heard that last sentence I completely stopped and looked around as if to say: Did anyone else hear that? Which, by the way, must have looked really silly since I was home alone in the kitchen. I was also listening through my earphones. So, no. No one else heard it.
But I have done this a lot lately. Being mad at God. Not actually shaking my fist at heaven, but asking him why he doesn’t do anything. This song was a bit of a wakeup-call with its “I did. I created you.”
One of my friends from school told me once that every single person wants a place where they feel like they belong. I realized just how true this was when I was in church a while ago. I looked at the maybe twenty people before me (I sat at the very back) and realized that they come here because they feel like they belong. They feel accepted here. They feel loved. It doesn’t matter how messed up they think they are as persons, because they are loved exactly for who they are. This is exactly what a church is for me. It’s not just a building. It’s a place for the broken. A place where we can gather together, pray, encourage each other and put our trust in the Lord. A place where you can get help.
I have realized lately that I have this weird, unexplainable love for people. I don’t know whether God has given me this, or I’m just naturally over-emotional as a person, but I want my home to be like a church. I want it to be a place where you can always come to. No matter what, you are always welcome. I have lately been experiencing this love from another Family-In-Christ, and even though I’m bad at showing it, I am so incredibly thankful.
So, however, if you know me personally, and wonder why I am the way I am, this explains it. I’m not flirting with you. (A lot of people mistake it for that.) I just, for some reason, really, really care about you.
Roses. Happiness. Awakening. Those are the words that comes to mind when I think about last week. Roses; because there were a lot of them. Happiness; because I haven’t felt that happy in a long time, and awakening; because all of us realized how real God is. As if we all have been sleeping all along and we finally woke up.
I went snowboarding. Destination: Norway. A church I have been going to since I was little made this camp, consisting of eight people.
Two nights before Valentine’s day Pumba, the camp-holder (I’ll tell you the story behind the name another time) came up with this awesome idea of giving out roses to people with Bible-verses taped onto them. So that’s what we did. We bought one hundred (yes, one hundred!) roses in different colors and then we sat around a table writing down the Bible verses on small pieces of paper. All of it written in Norwegian.
…and the greatest of these is love. 1 Cor 13:13
…and do everything with love. 1 Cor 16:14
We went to the mall in town, giving roses to cashiers, costumers and random people on the street. At the ski resort we gave them to the workers and skiers/snowboarders. Everything was so much fun and so awkward, but it still felt as if doing this was the most normal thing in the world.
That night, being the last night there, we decided we were going to pray for each other, one on one. Considering this was a Christian camp, everyone had done this before, and I don’t think anyone really expected this time to be different in any way. This time was different though. The Holy Spirit fell upon the room and I, who apparently have some sort of discernment-gift, could really feel what a threat we were to Satan. How angry he was. The night was truly amazing and the people got to use their spiritual gifts and grow in their faith.
It felt as if everybody realized how real God is that night, and how it really is a fight being a Christian. I am so thankful for that week, and I’m thanking God for everything that happened.
I woke up today feeling filthy and ugly. I hate those days, they shouldn’t exist. If I could, I would lay in bed all day eating tons of different snacks and watch random movies. Unfortunately, I’m in school. I have promised myself that I’m gonna watch “Bridge To Terabithia” tonight. I love that movie. I’ve seen it two times and read the book once. I cried each time, so I’m pretty sure I’m gonna cry when I watch it tonight. Oh well.
Am I horrible if I say that I can’t wait to get out of this school? I have loved it here, it’s not that. But I want to move on. I want to start a new chapter in my life.
I’m going to another school after summer-break. Hopefully the school which teaches drama. I’m probably gonna get two or three girls I know in my class, which is great. Even though I wouldn’t mind getting in a class where I don’t know anyone.
Thankfully, a lot of people I hang out with is going to the same school. I really appreciate that. Then I get to see them for another three years!
I’ve been thinking about something… When I’m studying drama we’re gonna have yoga-classes. I don’t wanna learn yoga? I’ve never liked it and never will. Yoga can’t be compulsory, right? I mean, you can’t fail Yoga as a subject. That would just be weird. I don’t know what to do really. I just have to trust God and that he has everything under control.
First of June today. I love June. Summer-break starts and I’m, as usual, convinced this will be the best summer of my life. It has been the same thing every year ever since I can remember. Only this time, I know by fact this is going to be the best summer of my life! I still can’t tell you everything yet tough. But I’m going to be a whole new person! I’m gonna tell you more about it when I can.